Yah know I was thinking today and I came to the conclusion that I am a really bid drama queen sometimes. That's why I never tell anyone my problems. For one thing I don't want to annoy the crap out of them and two I prolly make half the shit up anyhow. Ya know...just take everything out of proportion. All I know is I'm not going to bitch about shit anymore. Where does that get me? And who the hell actually cares enough to give a fuck? So why bother...get my drift???

I don't understand people (using code again...ya know I think I'm gonna start making up code names...lol). Okay this one will be code named: Loser...lol J/P of course. I just don't want anyone to figure out who it is by his name ya know? Anyhow... I don't understand Loser at all. He makes me think that he likes me sometimes but other times he makes me feel like he just thinks of me as a friend. ya know? I mean...I think he likes me...but he's not sure if he wants it to go anywhere. I don't know. He doesn't ever say anything to me about it and I'm afraid of being hurt so I never say a word. But everyone keeps asking me about it and I wish he would say something. I'm sick of always being the one to do that shit. I hate being the aggressive one...ya know? I just wanna know what Loser is thinking...how he feels about this situation. Ya know? B/C I'm not evern sure how I feel b/c I have no idea if I should be feeling anything. Ya get my drift???

Anyhow...okay new person I need to talk about. His code name can be: Dick This one has seriously a split personality. lol. Hmm...anyhow. I can't stop thinking about him lately. I hate admitting that but I can't help it. I wish I could go back in time and take back so many things. I wish I could make him see how much I feel for him. Forget it though. It doesn't make a difference to him so I'll just fucking forget it. Pretend that I'm not hurt...I wrote a poem about this the other day. Here...it's called Pretending-->

I try to pretend I'm not hurt,

that I don't miss you like I do.

Covering up my true feelings,

hoping you have no clue.

I don't want you to know my pain,

so I lock it deep inside.

Pretending it's butterfly and rainbows,

all the darkness I try to hide.

I wish I could make you understand,

somehow mahe you see.

I want you back so badly,

how much this is killing me.

There's no one else I want,

no body comes close to you.

Too bad I could never tell you this,

I'm afraid of what may happen if I do.

So I smile to make you happy,

make you think I'm getting along just fine.

I know I'll never feel this with anyone else,

hopefully I'll get over you in time.

I never thought I'd fall like this,

but all I can be is your friend.

So I make you think I'm happy without you,

You're the reason I pretend.

<--It's not entirely true though b/c I do like Loser. I like him a lot. But I miss Dick soooo much. Speaking of Loser. I realized how much I missed him when I looked into his eyes. I mean I never thought I would again. But then I looked at his eyes and all those feelings that I felt for him that I tried to forget and cover up when we broke up returned and I realized I liked him again. I don't know. I never really explained that to anyone so I thought I'd write it in here.

Okay...I am so sick of my parents. My dad was all sitting with Nolan my sis Jenna and me watching a movie today and my sis made a comment about would he cry if her or my other little sis Jordan died...totally leaving me out. We all laughed about it and then my dad was like yeah I'd cry if Jamie died too. I was like yeah right and he never said another word. I know he hates me so why does he bother to pretend when I have a friend over?? Fuck him. My mom was drunk tonight and really bitchy. She kept yelling at me and pissing me off. So I left and went to Nolans for a while but I was bored so I came home. But I hate being here.

Yah know...the only place I feel completely comfortable is prolly my room but I hate being alone and I hate being around my parents. I love being at Jamie Korb's too..but a lot of times ppl are there who I don't kno that well. So I can't win for nothing. lol. Dunno just thinking about that. How can we be comfortable if there's always one or two things to spoil it?? lol. Gosh the things I think about.

Okay I seriosley need a CAM (yep back to using that code lol...) Think I'm going to get one of my mom's before I go to bed. I seriouley want one.

Hmm...I can't wait for Nina to get back tommorrow. Actually she's prolly home by now but ya know it's like 3:30 so I'm not about to call there and find out. lol. I missed her though. There's a couple of times I actually went to call her and everything. lol

well I need to rest...my body aches. Hopefully I'll get some sleep...

Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams...

later days

Jamie