So today was my b-day. Yah. I got my belly button pierced. It hurt.

Anyhow. If you can't tell I'm in a shitty mood. I've been playing it off real good today though. Just kept a smile on my face so everyone would think my life was great. But inside I'm ready to burst. Just scream at the top of my fucking lungs. Just shed the tears that build up for so long inside of me instead of waiting for when I can't handle it anymore to let them out. Why am I so hateful and afraid to show my fucking emotions?

So with the whole Matthew situation. I don't think it's going to go anywhere. The past week or so he's been making me feel like he's not as interested as I am. That he doesnt want to come out and say it...but he doesn't ever plan on getting back with me. Which makes me feel real clingy. I don't know how he feels. But I know he's been a big dick lately. I can't really explain it. I mean some of the time I know he's joking and shit...but sometimes I'm not too sure. Like he plays it off as a joke hoping I'll figure out that he's not kidding. Ya know? I feel so stupid around him sometimes. I've been thinking a lot lately. And I remember when we were first together how happy I was to see him whenever I got to. But now I get in a real shitty mood after I do. B/c I feel so stupid for trtying so hard for him when he doesn't act like he cares. I feel so pathetic.

Anyhow. I wrote Nina a poem today.... Here it is...It's called "Like You" (it's about her sis and shit but it relates to my mother too)

I know that I am different,

I'll never be like you.

You put me down b/c of this,

I'm a bad person for all I do.

You judge me by my clothes,

criticizing my whole identity.

You don't care that I am happy,

You can't look deeper than what you see.

I don't act like all your friends,

but I am proud of who I am.

I've changed but for myself,

accept who I've become.

I'm changing b/c I'm maturing,

so stop fucking tearing me down.

Let me be who I need to be,

I don't deserve your fucking dissapproving frown.

I'm no a horrible person,

I have good thoughts inside my head too.

Don't treat me like a freak,

just b/c I'm not like you.

*MMMMMkkkkkk. It's okay I guess. I don't really like it the more I read it. But that's b/c I'm in a shitty mood and everything about me is just shitty to me right now. Fucking disgusting self-pity. Makes me sick.

Fuck it. My back hurts really bad so I think I'm going to just go to bed. Maybe I'll dream something tonight to wash away all my problems. Living in a fantasy land always helps huh???

w/e fuck it.

later days

Jamie