Speaking to the atmosphere no one's here and I fall into myself..

12:52 p.m.-2004-07-06 | All alone now

These empty thoughts are now all mine. No one can read them, no one can judge them...they are all mine. I would rather everyone be able to read this... but for some reason I feel they can. How ridiculous of me. This is locked and I'm the only one with the key. It's funny how life is. How I meet thousands of faces, yet I feel that only one person I can truelly trust and love with all of my heart. How does it work like that? Don't I deserve more? I feel that deep down I am a good person and need to be surrounded by good people...Maybe I am the reason-maybe I shove them away. I don't know. All I know is I feel alone. And writing these thoughts aren't helping since no one can read them and remind me that I'm not. So now I know.

Everything hurts right now. Just remembering how my whole world was torn apart in the matter of a few weeks. How people that I loved and trusted stabbed me in the back without a second thought. Like I never mattered to their pathetic little lives. I hate them...yet I miss them.

I don't miss Corey...besides his friendship. As a boyfriend he was horrible...but he's a good friend and a good person and I know he hates me now. I just wish I could talk to him and hang out with him and have everything be alright, but I know the truth.

I hate Nina with everything inside of me, but I can't help missing the good times. I thought she was my best friend for life. The one I could count on forever. She turned out to be the biggest liar I ever met and an even bigger fake. She's so fucking warped it makes me sick. But sometimes I wish I could call her and talk...even if she would turn around and talk shit on me for everything I said. Naw fuck that bitch.

I lost so many other friends...but the fact of the matter is...they were never my friends to begin with. They all smiled to my face, talked about me as soon as they had a chance, then all stabbed me in the back. It's true what they say, you're best friend is your true enemy...

I just wish Nolan was here...besides the bitches trying to take him away from me...that would make all the pain in the world disapear if he was here to help me through everything. Because even Kevin is great, I don't have that bond with him yet that I do with Nolan. I need Nolan here....

*sigh why do I write words that no one hears? My screams remain within these pages...empty, cold, and alone. Why do I bother??

later days

Jamie

...immobilized by my fear and soon to be blinded by tears...