1:55 a.m.-2003-09-01 | Just blah :`(
Blah I feel so blah and empty inside when I should be happy. I mean Mike and I are back together and most everything in my life is bearable...but not dealing with my parents and their bullshit everyday. I can't handle being in the middle of everything. I have dont nothing wrong but I watch over every fight...hear every nasty word. And they wonder why I always leave and never wanna be here. They wonder why I get so depressed all the time. Actually to tell you the truth they are too damn selfish to worry about that. I mean I cut myself real bad the other day (I really hate to talk about this...but I feel the need to prove a point here.) and a lot of ppl noticed and said shit to me :( and wouldn't u think my mother would be one of those ppl? but she doesn't. I mean it's a damn good thing that she doesn't...but I'm think you get the jist. Oh why do I bother whining about my insignificant little life. I mean I know people that have shit much worse. But a lot of people don't have to deal with a lot of the same shit I do everyday. I just want to die sometimes. Let them find my poems, my diaries and let them see they shoulda cared more and maybe I would still be here. Let them see who I really am. The person I want to let the world see but am forced to hide. Sorry for talking so much...on aderal...
blah blah blah...I just want to go through one day without getting depressed. one day of pure happiness. I know I let myself become depressed and maybe it's b/c I think too much and worry. I can't help it though. I just want to be happy. Again...is that too much to ask for?
so on a happier note I want to talk about mike and me. okay last night i stayed the night at tara's and mike asked me out over the phone (blah i know but oh well). I told him yes as long as he could promise things wouldn't be bad this time around. he said they wouldn't. and I believe him. I just can't help worrying about other girls. I mean I know that a lot of girls like him and I just don't see what is so special about me that he would choose me over any of them. I don't see why he would want to be with me ya know? How am I so "great".
blah...feel so blah. hate these feelings. like tara said night time is emo time. seems like it evernight. I just hate being here all alone. I mean tara is coming back over but I wanna wait till my mom goes to bed so that I can have Mike stop by again too. I like him so much.
blah blah blah...maybe I'll die...I mean I dunno. I don't know what to think anymore...just blah...
later days
Jamie
