Speaking to the atmosphere no one's here and I fall into myself..

11:09 a.m.-2003-06-11 | Fucking Bullshit

So yesterday was a very shitty day. Matt accussed me of kissing Michelle. Bull mother fucking shit. I guees people were telling him that...but when I told him I didn't, he didn't believe me. Well what the hell am I suppossed to do? He says he needs to thikn about things. How is that fair to me? I DID ABSOLUTLY NOTHING. And he won't believe me so I'm screwed no matter how I look at this. There's nothing I can say, I just sit here hoping he might change his mind and listen to me. Yah...just hope he realizes I am telling the truth. God this is fucked up. I'm not a fucking liar...if I kissed Michelle I would have told him. Outta the same respect I would want from him if he kissed someone else. But I fucking didn't and that pisses me off. Why does he even ask me if I did then, if he's not going to believe a fucking word I say? All I fucking know is I don't want to lose him over something I never fucking did...This is so unfair. I really hate people...so pretty much anyone could tell him anything they wanted about me and he'd believe them...no matter what I said.

Yeah I made a deal with my mother for this grounding shit (more like she did but w/e) I have to write a 3 day journal that only she can read and tell her how I feel about shit so that she can try to understand me more. Blah Blah and as long as I do that I'm ungrounded for good. Cool huh? Oh and she wants to have a big talk at the end of these three days or w/e...but I'm not worried about that. That won't be hard to handle. Writing this journal is though. It's day two and I've already written four pages in it. I have to go write in it after I get done in here...This sucks big balls though b/c all I can think about is my situation with Matthew and I obviousley can't talk to her about that since I'm not suppossed to be talking to anybody. I mean she knows I get e-mails and shit like that...but I don't feel like going into this with you ya know? I have enough stress from everything else in my fucking life. I don't need her voice of "reason". I'll figure it out on my own...as ususal.

Hmmm...I keep downloading all these new songs I've never heard of...that's how bored I am and hey maybe I'll find something I'll actually like. I did download Matt's favorite song cuz I wanted to hear it...and I really like it a lot. Hmmm...I dunno

Oh back on the subject of Matt...he thinks I'm only with him b/c he looks like fucking Chester Bennington. WTF? Is that how shallow he really thinks I am? Excuse me I compliment my boyfriend because he's hott...but I don't go out with people b/c they look like someone else or for any reason like that. That is just fucking retarted. I like him for who he is...not for his looks. I can't believe I even have to go through this shit. It's all just fucking ridiculous. Gosh damn...

I HATE THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT IN MY FUCKING LIFE...

fuck you all...

Jamie

...immobilized by my fear and soon to be blinded by tears...