So I stayed two nights with Nicole. It was nice to get outta the house. And we went to some party...it was fun. Other than I really didn't know anyone. I miss hanging out with the people I used to. But I guess the only real reason they even liked me was b/c I was dating one of their friends. I mean would I really have become friends with some of those ppl if I hadn't been with Mike and then Matthew? Makes me wonder a little. Oh well.
Anyhow. So Matt told me he knew what my little names for people were so I figured it was easy enough for anyone to figure out anyhow so fuck it. I'll start using real names again. What's it matter anyhow? I'm beginning to not give much a fuck about what people know about me anyhow. I mean I used to not say how I really felt to protect myself. But it seems I get hurt no matter what I do...so why not be totally honest with myself??
Yes I miss Matt for anyone that didn't figure that out in my last entry that I tried using my "code names". I tried to cover it up for a while now...but what's the point? I miss him like crazy so why no admit it? It hurts trying to keep that inside. I never thought I'd be this hung up over someone...but I don't know. I know I think about him more than I should ya know? I know he has his own life now without me in it...so why do I still bother having these feelings? I can't help it. Oh well I suppose. Why shouldn't I feel this way when any other guy I dated treated me like shit and he was the first that I felt I really connected with? That I felt really cared about me as much as I cared about him. I don't feel like it was my fault we broke up...b/c I know I did nothing wrong...nothing unfaithful to him. I guess there's no one to blame. If it's meant to be then we'll get back together ya know? If not then I'll have to move on and try to find someone half the person he is...
Wow..I need to get some sleep. I always say that...But I seriousley do. I need some rest so maybe I won't be so shitty every single day. But I suppose that's more my fault than anything else. Oh well.
I wish I could go back to being happy. But I guess I'm the only real reason I'm so depressed all the time. If that makes sense to any of you.
I'm going to quit now because I realize how pathetic I sound right now.
Oh well...
later days
Jamie